??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
