I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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