if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
