There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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