be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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