Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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