And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
