I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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