Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
