i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
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We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
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You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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