I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
