I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
