Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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