your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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