i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
