I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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