my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
