I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You need Xanax blowdarts
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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