Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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