Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
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i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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