hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My liver just broke up with me...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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