I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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