ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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