The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
