Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
