I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
