don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
