Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
