Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I don't deserve a penis
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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