Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
