Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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