My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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