i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
