Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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