I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
