fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize