someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
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