I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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