the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
