he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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