ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
