I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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