I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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