$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
