im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
