so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
