if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
