i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
