She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
