my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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