Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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