remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza