Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
