You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
