Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
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he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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