Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
