She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
