Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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